cracks
by horse-crazy girl13
Summary: There was a part of her that was saying goodbye long before she settled properly into hello. Tag to 7x24 "Run"


**So, cut me some slack because it's literally been months since I've even attempted to write, but I got myself obsessed with Criminal Minds, and this little one-shot would not leave me. I hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own Criminal Minds.**

* * *

There are cracks in the foundation, she's told. And somehow she's not surprised; it sounds about right, because that's been her whole life, a past filled with fractures that keep her from ever making ends meet.

She tells Derek this, and he's unimpressed. He pushes her, just a little, because he knows it's less about the cracks in the foundation and more about the ones in her life.

"Follow your gut. What's it trying to tell you?" he asks, and she hesitates for just a second. Because even her gut was stabbed, her very core, and maybe that's why her world seems knocked off its axis.

She looks away and tries to imagine that none of it had ever happened, that she could continue to walk into work every morning and solve cases and compartmentalize it all so beautifully.

She knows she wouldn't think twice about staying.

But now? Now it's an uphill battle, and she's not quite sure how to look the worst of humanity in the face without seeing it within herself.

-:-

Clyde Easter's offer sounds a little like salvation.

It's a way out, and she's gotten good at taking those. But with JJ and Reid sitting across from her, looking confused and apprehensive, she flips her phone shut and tries to pretend like there's not a part of her already saying goodbye.

-:-

She has her bad days.

Hotch is always the first to know, as promised.

What she fails to mention are the nights. Because, really, a few weeks of relative peace are nothing compared to the previous months of continuous, gut-wrenching paranoia.

So sleep is hard to come by, and when it does, she almost wishes it hadn't. She is Emily now, and she knows this, but it still hurts to see Lauren Reynolds come alive and then die all over again in her dreams.

She finds herself envying Lauren. There was a future all lined up for her, and she'd never imagined the possibility that she could have a steady soul next to her own. But she held the ring in her hand, tangible evidence of all she'd never believed in but now did, and closed her eyes because she couldn't bare to look at what she was sacrificing for her job.

It was with great reluctance that she became Emily Prentiss again.

-:-

Twice.

That's how many times she's almost been blown up today, and she hates herself for thinking that it would've been one hell of a way to go.

She's exhausted, and Emily Prentiss is starting to feel a lot more like a name and a lot less like who she is. It's been a long time since she's been able to trust the ground beneath her, and today just shook her up even more.

So when she tells Reid she's not buying the house because of cracks in the foundation, she feels completely justified. There have been enough broken homes in her life for her to willingly choose to live in one.

Derek looks at her sharply, eyes narrowing, but she looks away and swallows the apologies already rising in her throat.

-:-

It's ironic, she thinks. It's JJ and Will's night, a night of connection, and yet she's already feeling so far away.

It shouldn't be hard to avoid him, considering Rossi lives in a goddamn mansion, but somehow Derek manages to corner her.

She knows she has to talk to him, but she'd much rather get wasted on fine wine and smile for her friend's wedding.

"You want to leave, don't you?"

His words are blunt and laced with hurt and betrayal, and she can't lie to him. She definitely can't keep lying to herself.

Still, she makes a half-hearted attempt to deflect, but he sees it exactly for what it is and he knows. Perhaps he's known since that day they looked at the house.

So she sighs and tells him and herself the truth, and she hates herself for the relief she feels even as Derek's shoulders sink in defeat.

She supposes she owes him enough to stand there and take the harsh blow of his words, spoken so softly with both grief and love.

"I think I miss you already."

-:-

She begins by watching them all from a distance, noting her team's contentment, and she knows they'll get by without her. They're some of the most brilliant minds in their field, but they're also the strongest.

Somehow she ends up dancing with them, being passed along from partner to partner, and she rests her head on Rossi's shoulder and thinks that maybe this is what a family is.

Her, JJ, and Garcia link arms into a group hug and she can't stop smiling. For the first time in a long time, she's glad to be Emily Prentiss.

Reid holds her with light hands and awkward movements that carry so much more confidence than the Reid she first knew, and she's glad she got the chance to watch him grow into who he is today. She smiles at him, and he grins back, goofy and ecstatic, and she double takes, wonders if she has it within herself to break his heart all over again.

So she grips him back just a little tighter, because she's learned all about time and how much you're supposed to cherish it.

Hotch holds her, and she can't help but notice how much softer the lines on his face seem right now. Her eyes flicker to Beth, and she thanks whatever God there is that she got to see him wear a little happiness again.

His head tilts, and she feels him studying her. She wonders what it is he sees, what it is that causes him to gently squeeze her hand. His arm on her waist wraps a little tighter, and she realizes that he knows. Of course he knows. He knows and yet he's telling her that it's okay, and she feels herself break a little.

She ends up back in Derek's arms for one last dance, and he sways with her ever so gently. There is something desperate in the way they hold each other, familial and comforting. He knows this is it, and Derek's learned a thing or two about not taking time for granted.

Eyes wide, she takes in the scene around her, the smiles and fond looks from her team, the feel of being surrounded by the closest thing she's ever had to a family. And then she closes her eyes, like shutters to a camera, keeping the image in place and storing it in one of the deepest places of her heart. Tonight is goodbye, she knows, and the only goodbyes she's ever known are the permanent kind.

She also knows this one will be different. And she thanks whatever God there is for that, too.

* * *

 **Yeah, so it's a little rusty, but I wrote it purely for myself, and just thought I'd share it. I'd love to hear what you think, though, considering I haven't written anything in ages. Also, any formatting issues are due to the fact that I posted this on my phone. Which was rather hard, by the way.**


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